I'm a loner when it comes to work and when I am at home many days since certain things have occured my life and I just having me for company is not that bad. It's strange, when coming up as a kid, I craved attention, long for acception. I was not that confident in myself, I never thought I was attraction, the names I was called (Grape Ape, Monkey Man, Cornelius[from the planet of the Apes] was not cool. It didn't help the fact that I had a crush on a girl almost every other month (many times I built up romantic relationships in my mind and I as far I can remember this was from the time I was 5 years old until high school) only to be shot down. Plus me and mother never have been close. She would tell me, "just get over it" to "When you begin having bills...then you will know the meaning of 'hurt.'" I think what really did the damage between me and mother is when she accused me of...as she said, "f***ing another boy".
I have always tried to talk to my mom about my crushes, my feelings, my heartaches and for her to say that to me just because my best buddy was Demitrius broke the camel's back for me. I never told her about who I was attracted to from that point. I don't hate her, she's my mother but for a parent to say that to a child was really...foul. It didn't crush that she accussed me of being gay but just the fact of how could a parent form their mouth to say this to a 12 year old child. I never had a positive role model in my life until much later in life it's sad to say but me and mom parted ways years ago. Do I think about her? Yes I do. But I know deep down she may have wanted a girl and when my dad walked out on her after only 5 years of marriage that in a way she blamed me for it from the way at times she talked to me and "at" me. I wasn't an angel and I did my share of dirt but for the most part I tried to respect her until the day we parted ways.
Fast forward about 10-15 years ahead while living in Missouri and meeting a young lady from Norma, Oklahoma that gave me the boost of confidence I needed. I had just broke up with whom I will call the "Christian Hustler" and was kinda down in the dumps. I worked at the store called The Nature Company. She was here for a teacher's conference and she came into the store and the rest was history. We only saw one another off and on for about 6 months but she taught me that I was attractive, I was cool just the way I was. The things I could approve on in reference to myself I should and what I could not change...deal with it.
Here it is 2008 and for some reason I'm getting a feeling that a huge change is coming in my life and it will be for the better. I will have to go through some pain to reach what God has always had for me. Sometime we get hard headed and want to do things on our own and knowing deep down that path was not really meant for you and you get another chance to do the right thing. I'm not saying you just sit back and wait for it to happen but sometimes we go by "feelings" instead of common sense. Now when I'm at work, I look forward to being by myself, when I'm at home I look forward to having that quiet time.
I'm truly loving DarrenKeith and God made one helluva person when He created me. ^_^
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